When I think about betrayal in the research sense, it’s clinical, scientific, and even fascinating. When I think about the betrayals I’ve experienced in my life, the word evokes strong emotions. I even find myself trying to “dim” it down by calling it a breakdown or breach of trust, or by saying, “they just didn’t mean it.” Betrayal, as defined by Reina and Reina (2006), is an intentional – or perceived to be intentional - breach of trust. Is betrayal truly intentional, though?
My journey into the research I do began over 15 years ago. I was a senior leader for a manufacturing company. This job was the hardest and worst, yet simultaneously most rewarding and growth-filled opportunity I ever held. Our business was hit hard by the recession at the time. We were bleeding money and barely surviving. There were some great wins in the middle of this craziness, but not enough to make us profitable. We dealt with reductions-in-force like so many others in our area. Those of us who were left behind had to continue forward, with larger plates and fewer resources. It was tough to keep up, but we did. I had taken on more roles and was not in the office as often as I would have normally been, visiting customers and suppliers. Mistakes were made more often than I would have liked. I knew the executives were insanely concerned. I was too, but I was also proud of the fact that we were still making it happen despite the circumstances.
One day, I was surprised to learn (by email!) I was being reprimanded for being out of the office too much. “Um, how in the hell am I supposed to do my job?” Long story, short: One of the executives was looking for me and couldn’t find me (even though I was accessible via phone, e-mail, and even text). He got pissed off and made this known to my boss. Rather than supporting me, my boss threw me under the bus, took credit for my work, and implied I was not doing my job. I was heartbroken, devastated, hurt, and stunned at both the betrayal, and how all of my positive work had gone unnoticed.
Now, I am not without fault in this situation. I should have communicated more with my leaders. I missed deadlines, and I messed up in a lot of ways. But, I saw my boss’ actions as a major betrayal, an intentional breach of trust. There was no more trust to be had with he or the executives, and I was pretty sure it would never be repaired. I turned in my resignation. My boss was surprised, a reaction that still makes me laugh to this day. I soon learned there were processes put in place behind the scenes to catch me doing something “wrong” instead of discussing their concerns with me. My position was being advertised as an opening while I was still in it, and more. Learning this information hurt. Badly.
Yet, in spite of this experience, I do not believe all betrayal is truly intentional. Leaders, colleagues, followers, friends, family…they are all human first. As a beloved mentor told me, “Marya, I don’t believe people get up each day intending to be an asshole. Sometimes, life just happens, and we respond.” That advice makes me laugh but also reminds me, daily, that the people I work with and for are human first. To be clear - poor, rude, unkind, belligerent, and violent behavior should never be tolerated, personally or professionally. But, once I got through the hurt and looked back on the experience, I remembered my boss was a kind man and had been quite good to me over my years with the company. He hated confrontation though, with a passion. His fear of confrontation, I believe, is why he set in motion the actions that hurt me. He betrayed my trust.
A belief in one’s words, actions, and decisions and a willingness to act on them is trust (Lewicki & Wietoff, 2000). Leadership is about building relationships, and relationships require trust. The morale of an organization is one of the key foundations to their success. Our leaders model the way when it comes to the morale of an organization. With trust, morale is strong and positive. We can act on each other’s words, behaviors, and actions, in good faith. Many of the clients I work with have some of the lowest morale I’ve seen in years. It’s palpable. The intentional betrayals I see happen are there, by all parties. What I also see is the hurt, the fear, the anger, and the distrust…the human side of betrayal. I see leaders at all levels leading in fear and ultimately taking action that betrays the trust of their followers, teams, and in some cases, the entire organization.
This is why I ask, “Can betrayal be unintentional?” Hurt, anger, and fear can lead us to say things, take action, and act in ways we normally would not; These words, actions, and behaviors are sometimes done unconsciously. I believe deeply that a healthy and real conversation about the betrayal of trust is essential. This conversation is not about focusing on the negatives, but finding our way back to understanding leaders, followers, and organizations as humans first. That means a yin and yang conversation, the dark and the light. Leaders and followers can build organizations that succeed in every way imaginable when there is trust.
What does this conversation spark for you? How do you feel about unintentional betrayal? Do you think it exists? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Lewicki, R.J. & Wiethoff, C. (2000). Trust, Trust Development, and Trust Repair. In. M. Deutsch & P.T. Coleman (Eds.), The handbook of conflict resolution: Theory and practice (p. 86-107). San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Reina, D. & Reina, M. (2006). Trust and betrayal in the workplace: Building effective relationships in your organization. (2nd Ed.). San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.