The last week or so…oof! It’s been brutal on so many fronts personally and professionally. I’m pretty sure I am not alone on this one, but I think we could all use a bit of a break, ya think?! My craziness has revolved around a series of small, but impactful, rejections. Not rejections in the way we normally think of like spurned love or the job rejection letter. The Oxford Dictionary defines rejection as dismissing or refusing a proposal or idea or more. It is also defined as the spurning of one’s affections (that one really hurts, eh?!). Most of you are probably thinking about a time that you have been rejected. I am hoping the sting of the hurt is not still lingering, and if so, know you are being held in my thoughts and heart that it heals soon. I want to talk about rejection a little differently. The small ways that rejection hits our worlds, and the ways we reject others without even thinking about it.
I am a teacher, a researcher, a mentor, and a coach. I have honed (and continue to hone) my skills of observation. Humans and their interactions are some of the most fascinating connections to watch. Humans are capable of some of the most destructive behavior, and at the same time, they are capable of some of the most kind and loving actions you will ever see or experience. What I am observing as of late is disheartening. The fear and uncertainty of the numerous global issues we are experiencing is pushing many of us to our limits, not in the best way. I am seeing levels of disrespect, rudeness, anger, and poor behavior that I have not seen in a long time. It is showing up in very small and subtle ways in the workplace. Rude e-mails, snapping at each other, showing up late to meetings, not getting work done, and a flat-out lack of courtesy for each other. I am also noticing we aren’t using the words “please” or “thank you” very much anymore. Boy, I am a jumble of optimism this morning, aren’t I?! 😊 This lack of compassion, empathy, and kindness is a dismissal or refusal of the psychological contracts that we agree to when we work together. It is a rejection, and that rejection can hurt just as bad as the rejection by the great love of your life.
When we talk about fears, what we need to talk about are needs. Rejection lies in a need to belong. For some of us, this need is very strong. The reasons are far and wide for the strength of that need. Our needs are NOT flaws, they are a part of us and make us the unique and wonderful beings we are. Can these needs roadblock us and our success if they reach extreme levels? Absolutely. It is why I talk so much about how our needs, wants, and desires can create fear. Fear of rejection is so very real for us, and it can hold us back from our highest potential. Talking about it, recognizing it, and understanding where we stand in our needs and fears is what allows us to grow, learn, be brave…be wonderful.
The behavior I am observing and experiencing has been very hurtful and culminated into a horrendous day yesterday. The levels of loneliness I felt, the rejection, were intense. I have not experienced that in a long time, and it made me question a great deal about what I am doing and where I am going. AND, it also created a new direction for me that I am insanely excited about. I have had several dreams brewing for the last few years. The work I have been doing has been slow and run into a few bumps. I was starting to think these dreams would not come to fruition. These rejections I’ve been experiencing weren’t personal, they weren’t about me, but the hurt was real just the same. The reflection of the rejection though was the best thing that could have happened (I haven’t slept much in the last 24 hours, ha). The experiences of the last few weeks – and especially yesterday - were the push I needed to push past a few of the roadblocks I’ve been experiencing with my dreams, my goals.
So, what can we do to help people keep that fear of rejection to a minimum? To help them feel needed? Feel valued? Be heard?
We pay attention to these three things:
Be courteous: let us pay attention to how we treat each other in our communication and actions with each other. It is not hard to say “please” and “thank you.” It is not hard to ask someone how they are doing (and listen to the response). It is not hard to smile and wave at someone. It truly is easy to show courtesy to our colleagues…our fellow humans.
Recognize the Feelings of Others: this time of uncertainty and disruptive change (which is not always so bad, by the way) is scary for all of us at different levels. Acknowledge those feelings. Our colleagues – all of them from the most senior leader to the newest team member – experience this uncertainty and change differently. Be kind and acknowledge that by asking how they are doing. Be willing to listen. Give a kind word. You do not have to become a therapist or someone’s best friend to show compassion for the fear others feel. Kindness, like emotions, is contagious.
Find your Zen: this is probably the most important. If you have been rejected in some way, find your Zen – your calm. This is not about dismissal of others poor behavior, but it is a way to ensure our lens is accurate of the situation. When we are hurt, our emotions run high and that can very much cloud the way we see a situation. Like I mentioned, the behavior of others is usually not about us, it is not personal. When you can find your Zen – your calm – it not only allows you to clear your lens, but it allows you to SEE the situation for what it might be…a push in a new direction. That new direction might be the best pivot you can make.
Rejection is hurtful no matter how small the dismissal, refusal, or spurn. Rejection can also push us to see ourselves, our situations, and our lives differently. Differently in the best way possible. Rejection can set us on a path toward even more success. The last few weeks for me were very hard, yesterday was brutal quite honestly. Today, my path is looking pretty damn awesome…even with the roadblocks and potholes I’ll hit along the way. I am so excited. Be on the lookout…it is about to get fun!
What will you do this week or two to help others feel needed? Feel valued? Be heard? Be the person who helps someone be less afraid, more daring, and ready to tackle anything.
Reach out if I can help you with your needs. Let us create your best self, yet!
——————————————————-
My writing about fears that we experience, and how we let that roadblock our success are directed by my own research. My research is supported by the some of the following work:
Bachmann, R. & Zaheer, A. (Eds.) (2006). Handbook of Trust Research. Northampton, MA: Edward Elgar.
Fineman, S. (2007). Understanding emotions at work. London, UK: Sage Publications.
Lewis, M., Haviland-Jones, J. M., & Barrett, L. F. (Eds.). (2008). Handbook of emotions (3rd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Reina, D. & Reina, M. (2006). Trust and betrayal in the workplace. Berrett-Koehler Publishers: San Francisco, CA.
Maultsby, M. (1986). Coping better: Anytime, anywhere. Alexandria, VA: RBT Center, LLC.
Wilson, L. & Wilson, H. (1998). Play to win: Choosing growth over fear in work and life. Bard Press: Austin, TX.