I was engaged in a conversation with a client this week about the toxicity of his workplace. He was describing how he is trying to find his passion again in a place that is so low on trust in leadership that he’s not sure it will ever return. I kept asking, “What are you doing for yourself to combat the toxicity?” His response was super interesting. “I’m going inside of me to find out what it is I really want to do. There are so many good people here, and so much wonderful work going on here, but the leadership has created such a toxic environment that I’m not sure it will change. That is not something I want to be immersed in for too long.” The emotion in his response was so heartfelt. He loves his job. He loves his co-workers. He isn’t sure the toxicity will leave. I wasn’t sure if I should give him a hug or high five for being so in tune with his being. Our conversations have revealed that there is a lot of distrust in his organization. People bypass poor processes because they don’t trust others to get things done or just don’t care. Others create road blocks or gossip about team members they don’t like. Major organizational decisions are made based on personal likes and dislikes. I admire my client for wanting to stick this out and make positive change. I also wonder how much time is being spent by everyone – leaders, team members, and him – on emotional distress. In other words, how much time is being spent talking about the toxicity versus actually doing something about it?
I am reading a super interesting book right now titled “No Ego” by Cy Wakeman (seriously, this book has rocked my research bone…again…and I’m loving it). I’m enjoying learning about her approach to coaching leaders in “reality-based leadership.” Her style is similar to mine when coaching leaders. Her concern is that leaders spend too much time on people’s egos…their emotions and reactions to how others are treating them (defensiveness), taking things personally, not focusing on how to solve problems, resistance to change, resistance to feedback, and more. I don’t disagree that these things can be productivity killers. I run into these ego events quite a bit as a teacher, consultant, coach, friend, and everything in-between. She calls these ego events “emotional waste.” That’s where I disagree. Emotions are not a waste. Let me explain.
Our emotions are a “a complex pattern of changes that includes physiological arousal, subjective feelings, cognitive processes, and behavioral reactions – all in response to a situation we perceive to be personally significant” (Duffy and Atwater, 2005, p.183). We experience, express, and manage our emotions daily, if not by minute. Emotions are central to everything we do. Our expressions of our emotions are wide and varied and dependent on our culture, including organizational. Emotions are related to a psychological adjustment so our desire should be to manage the feelings we have as well. Emotional intelligence (EI) is described as the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, self-motivation, and the self-management of our emotions in ourselves and in our relationships (Salovey and Mayer, 1990). Emotional intelligence is like an alarm that tells us an emotion is appearing. Being able to manage our emotions allows us to express our emotions in an appropriate way. “Appropriate” is typically defined by the culture of the space we are in (organizationally, family, teams, friends, etc.). The lack of self-management can create impaired reasoning and chronic emotional problems such as depression, hostility, or chronic anxiety. Emotions are central to who we are as individuals. The lack of self-management is where we have an opportunity to coach others in the learning of their own EI…an opportunity…not a waste.
Leadership is a balance between task and relationship. Organizationally, emotions are an elephant in the room. Stop ignoring this elephant. Stop calling emotions waste. They are a part of who we are AND how we react to perceived situations. The key word here is “perceived.” All of us perceive situations and events differently, and Ms. Wakeman is not wrong that those incorrect perceptions are a productivity killer. However, to say those incorrect perceptions are “emotional waste” is dismissing the relationship component of the leadership position. I wholeheartedly agree that some key questions to assist others in getting back to expectations, seeing the reality of the situation, and tapping into emotional intelligence are crucial and needed for the success of an individual AND organization. However, I don’t believe that is a waste of my time. In fact, I find it to be a most important part of my job.
With some key questions to my client this last week, he left our session more focused and ready to be more understanding of others and their behaviors. He is going to pay attention to his own ego and find ways to help the organization. He is also going to focus on a plan that ensures his own success personally and professionally. It may be at this current location…or it might be elsewhere. But, he is refocused, energized, and no doubt more productive for his organization. I call this a nice win.
What are your thoughts on how egos drive behavior? Do egos kill productivity? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Camras, L. and Fatani, S. (2008). The development of facial expressions: Current perspectives on infant emotions. In M. Lewis, J. Haviland-Jones, and L. Feldman Barrett (Eds.), The Handbook of Emotions (pp. 291-303). New York: The Guilford Press.
Duffy, K.G. and Atwater, E. (2005). Psychology for living: Adjustment, growth, and behavior today (8th ed.). Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson-Prentice Hall.
Fineman, S. (2007). Understanding emotions at work. London: SAGE Publications.
Salovey, P., & Mayer, J.D. (1990). Emotional intelligence. Imagination, Cognition, and Personality, 9, 185-211.
Wakeman, C. (2017). No ego: How leaders can cut the cost of workplace drama, end entitlement, and drive big results. New York: St. Martin’s Press.