Yesterday, I lead a leadership session titled, “Leadership Courage and Strength.” It involved a discussion of ethics, conflict, and trust and culminated in a draft of their personal leadership philosophies (it was fun, you should have been there!). I was so pumped at the level of respect and openness this group had with each other. They shared situations and gave each other suggestions. They had great input throughout the day to the topics and discussion. They laughed a lot too. I left with so much food for thought my head is swimming with new research ideas (don’t worry Anne, I won’t start anything new…yet!).
In our discussion of betrayals we had experienced, I shared my story of organizational exit that started this whole research journey of mine. It was the first time in over 15 years that I felt I had fully let the anger go. The betrayal I experienced was intense, but I hadn’t realized I was still harboring anger for that long. Honestly, it was nice to tell the story from a different space. I haven’t forgotten, and the damage that experience left still exists in how I respond to certain situations. Specifically, I react with fear at someone emailing me, “I’d like to talk to you today.” No info beyond that, just an open-ended shit might fly message. Yeah, I spin my own story. That’s what betrayal does to people, it can do some serious damage.
Long before this, I had forgiven the person who betrayed me and realized that he was someone who did not like conflict and was afraid himself (failure, looking bad, etc.). I happened to be the person he threw under the bus. It hurt like a…”Watch your language, Marya.” I’m not sure I could ever trust him again, but I also hope he found more courage to be himself and confront his fear. Silver lining. Financially I took a huge hit when I left the company but had the most incredible experience serving coffee and building my consulting business over the next eight months. Silver lining. I ended up furthering my education and getting into the classroom which I completely love. Silver lining. I have been engaged in research involving organizational exit, trust, emotions, communication, and more. It’s been so helpful to my career and personal life. Silver lining.
More important to me than anything though, I have grown a level of compassion and empathy for others because of my experience (and more along the way). I’ve taken my mentors advice to heart in ways I never thought I would. People do not wake up intending to be assholes, mostly. Ha! Truly though, all of us are on these journeys that no one can know or understand. We carry these experiences that shape our lives in ways that so few can know. No wonder another person’s reaction can be so shocking and irritating. I fully admit, I’ve flipped the bird to more than my share of people when they weren’t looking. And no, I don’t think our past experiences excuse poor behavior. I’m human and forget their story too. I do, though, believe that compassion is vital to building others up, helping them be the best they can be, and creating trusting relationships. Compassion makes people feel heard and valued. I’ve been told I’m too sensitive. Damn straight, and I’ll wear that like a kick ass badge of honor as long as I live. For me, this is the best silver lining of broken trust I could have.
What is your silver lining of broken trust? I’d love to hear your story.