Whew, this year continues to lob the surprises, doesn’t it? I have been remiss in keeping up with my writing. When I do not write or keep up with my writing schedule, I find it affects me in odd ways. Writing is my outlet for my research, my problem-solving, my decision-making, and my mind (my journal is big, ha). As I have been thinking about today’s topic, the need to be right, my lack of writing fits in well here. Let me explain.
If you’ve read my last few blogs, they’ve focused on the fear and uncertainty, and how those fears can roadblock us – as individuals and organizations – from success. FEAR…such a negative term in these uncertain times. People are exhausted and ready for so much more than uncertainty and negativity. Am I right? Here is why I write so much about fear. To me, fear is a driver in some of the best ways possible…when we tap its STRENGTH and COURAGE. What happens when the uncertainty becomes more intense, our fear and risk-taking start to grow. In turn, our brain (and our heart and soul) start working on ways to “calm the chaos.” We may make poor decisions because we “think” we must make that decision NOW (hint, hint, not everything is a red alert, beware). We try to take more control over things and people causing frustration and pushback. We do not take care of our health because that “is not as productive as being on the project and working hard to get it done.” My favorite one though is that we simply start creating a story in our head about what is going on to “get an answer” to the uncertainty in front of us. Have you seen and heard the stories that some people create? This deserves an LOL because folks, if you are going to make up something, make it GOOD!
We have a need to be right. For some, it is a hard-core need. We all know a know-it-all in our circles. What is interesting though is that if you really talk to that person and get to understand that need, you will find it’s coming from a place of fear, the fear of being wrong. Our society has turned into a large group of shamers, and honestly, that is a crap ass place to be. When someone is wrong, we have a tendency to shame them. We respond to their message with things like, “How did you not know that?” “Why would you say that?” “Are you crazy?” “How dumb are you?” “That’s so stupid.” The answers range from unintended shaming to outright cruelty the way I see it. And we wonder why people stop asking questions? We wonder why people stop discussing. We wonder why people stop taking risks or moving forward. The need to be right is strong in so many of us, not because we are know-it-alls, but because NO ONE – and I mean NO ONE – likes to be made to feel like shit for being wrong. When the armor goes up, the learning stops. And again, that is a crap ass place to be.
So, what does any of this have to do with my writing? I have been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember. It causes me to procrastinate, rework everything I write or do, question what I write or do, stops me from taking risks, pushes me to make poor decisions, and solve problems in the most inefficient manner ever. That need to be right roadblocks my success. That does not mean I have not had a successful life, but it sure makes it a hell of a lot harder (and hurtful too). The more I work with my procrastination and lessen that fear of being wrong, the more I tap into my STRENGTH. It is so empowering. The more I work with my procrastination and lessen that fear, the more COURAGEOUS I get, the more leaps and risks I take. Those leaps and risks are scary, but man they are awesome, even when I fall. Each time I am wrong, there is learning and growth. When I write - just write - and put it out there, I get feedback. That feedback is what drives improvement in my writing and research. I must put it out there, though.
Let yourself be wrong. It will be the most right thing you ever do.
Tell me more about your need to be right? What can I (and we) do to help you tap into your strength and courage of fear of being wrong? We got you!
IMPORTANT: I encourage all of you to reflect on how you respond to others who make a mistake, say something wrong, and most importantly, say something you do not agree with. Be careful in how you respond because there is so much shaming happening right now. It is causing our armor to harden to points that positive, growth discussion can no longer take place. We lose our learning ability at that point. Let us let other make mistakes. Let us help others to grow and learn. Let us build each other up, instead of tearing each other down. Let me know how I can help!
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My writing about fears that we experience, and how we let that roadblock our success are directed by my own research. My research is supported by the some of the following work:
Bachmann, R. & Zaheer, A. (Eds.) (2006). Handbook of Trust Research. Northampton, MA: Edward Elgar.
Fineman, S. (2007). Understanding emotions at work. London, UK: Sage Publications.
Lewis, M., Haviland-Jones, J. M., & Barrett, L. F. (Eds.). (2008). Handbook of emotions (3rd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Reina, D. & Reina, M. (2006). Trust and betrayal in the workplace. Berrett-Koehler Publishers: San Francisco, CA.
Maultsby, M. (1986). Coping better: Anytime, anywhere. Alexandria, VA: RBT Center, LLC.
Wilson, L. & Wilson, H. (1998). Play to win: Choosing growth over fear in work and life. Bard Press: Austin, TX.