Last time, I talked about not letting our fears eat our souls. There was such a positive response. I think the reason was the acknowledgment that fear exists, it is real, and it is part of our being. So, why not embrace it, understand it, and work it to our advantage? There are so many reasons our fears can paralyze us, roadblock us, impede us, and turn us into jerks from time to time as well. As Schoolhouse Rock taught us, “…knowledge is power!” Our fear roadblocks us because we see it as negative. We don’t understand our fears. Let’s change that.
I roadblock myself more than you can know. As I type this, I am giggling at some of the memories that are flooding in. The big one that comes back is my dissertation and getting my Ph.D. It took me eight years to earn those letters, and earn them I did!. The Ph.D. process is meant to be hard and intense because you are expected to add new knowledge to this world through your research. You are scrutinized, pushed hard, and given extensive critical feedback so that your work is scientifically sound and good. The doctoral process is not easy, and there are a lot of times I almost quit. The times I nearly quit were because I was afraid of failing. “Huh?”
The first paper I wrote for my doctoral program was returned to me looking like my professor bled all over the 30 pages I sent to him. Holy cow, he beat the hell out of that thing AND me. I am laughing as I think about my facial expression upon that paper’s return, but at the time, it was brutal feedback and hit my fear of failure hard. I am such a success in many areas of my life, but this was feedback that was unlike any I had ever experienced. It hit a nerve. It scared the hell out of me. I almost quit. You see, if I had quit, there would have been no more blood-soaked, harsh feedback. Success. NOT!
I love that feeling of success. It feels good to work hard and make something come out great: a research paper, a creative project, an interview, a surprise for a friend. I love to do great things. Here’s the catch. We will never be successful at everything we do no matter how hard we work, try, or even with all the luck in the world. We will fail at times. That fear of failure for me is intense, but I also know it is intense. So, I look out for it and work that fear to my advantage.
Think of the people in your life and at work who are the perfectionists. The people who are averse to taking risk. The people who can’t make a decision to save their life. What about the people who miss out on life’s adventures (remember, adventure is all in how we perceive that term)? When you fear failure, you walk cautiously and with careful eyes to ensure you don’t fail. You look for the success sweet spots. Think about how that roadblocks us. Life is full of success sweet spots, but you can’t have those sweet spots if you don’t take risks. Perfectionism is just plain crazy (trust me, I know) because it doesn’t exist (well, maybe in a perfect slice of New York pizza, but…). Decisions have to be made and you know what, they aren’t always going to be right, especially in times of crisis and challenge and change.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be successful. There is nothing wrong with working hard to be “the best,” however that looks to you. There is nothing wrong with working hard. What holds us back though, what roadblocks us, is when that fear of failure becomes so strong we don’t take those risks, find those opportunities and adventures, and don’t’ make decisions. When my fear of failure becomes strong for me, I journal and write about it. I start figuring out why I am telling a story in my head that doesn’t exist. I check in with friends, colleagues, and mentors to walk through what is going on with my fear. These are just a few of the tools I use to take advantage of the fear in front of me, setting it up to drive me instead of roadblock me.
The best way you can be successful is to know your “sweet spots” of fear, what triggers fear for you. When you know that, you can be aware and do positive things for yourself to ease that fear. It will never fully go away, and I do not think it should. That fear can push you to be better, but you must recognize and use it to your advantage. How you use it is all dependent on you, and the approach is different for everyone. Hey, we are unique beings.
How can I help you tap into your fear of failure and make it your driver instead of a roadblock? Tell me how you use your fear of failure to drive you. I’d love to hear about your tools and approach.
Reach out if you are feeling stuck or need some help as you maneuver these very unique times. I would love to help.
Over the next few posts, we will be talking about different types of fears that we experience, and how we let that roadblock our success. I am discussing these fears through the work of my own research. My research is supported by the following work:
Bachmann, R. & Zaheer, A. (Eds.) (2006). Handbook of Trust Research. Northampton, MA: Edward Elgar.
Fineman, S. (2007). Understanding emotions at work. London, UK: Sage Publications.
Lewis, M., Haviland-Jones, J. M., & Barrett, L. F. (Eds.). (2008). Handbook of emotions (3rd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
Reina, D. & Reina, M. (2006). Trust and betrayal in the workplace. Berrett-Koehler Publishers: San Francisco, CA.
Maultsby, M. (1986). Coping better: Anytime, anywhere. Alexandria, VA: RBT Center, LLC.
Wilson, L. & Wilson, H. (1998). Play to win: Choosing growth over fear in work and life. Austin, TX: Bard Press.